This guy and I are crazy about each other. We have lived happily together for a long time. He’s sweet as he can be and treats me like a queen, anything I want he takes care of. I have no doubt for one minute that he loves me, but I forever have a knot in my stomach about his porn desires. I don’t think he really thought it was a big deal in the beginning and I tried not to make it a big deal. He even went and took pictures of some woman he had a crush on the day after meeting me. I know he had some kind of relationship with her and as far as I know he still thinks about her. He doesn’t realize how much that hurt me and I still think about it sometime. I wish I could lose that part of my memory.
A long while back in the beginning of our life together I felt a bit insecure one day so I decided to check his internet history and found porn sites and naked pictures. One time I even found pictures of the woman mentioned above after he promised me he had removed her photos, but instead he hid them on his computer.
After that even when I tried not to, I found myself wanting to check his computer, hoping I would not find anything but always ended up finding something. One day I went to check his internet history and he had cleared it, which made me even more suspicious. If he erased the history there must be something he wants to hide. What is he trying to hide?
He always tells me he doesn’t look at it anymore. For a long time I never even really considered him looking at porn, because sex has been so great between us. I felt good about myself. I felt pretty. And then I found out he was looking at it again. And it’s been downhill since then. And no matter what he says I don’t think it will change. And it doesn’t even matter now anyway because I can’t stop thinking about all the times its already happened. Mostly I just feel he is a liar.