so, you’re Johnny or Jane Decision Maker and you’re a big boy/girl that can make your own decisions. and ok, fair enough. you want to buy some drugs. you should be fully aware that you – under no circumstances – should be in the habit of purchasing drugs until you can pay or your own rent. that is: the biggest lesson i could tell any of you young cats out there. its just not worth it. if you’re still worried about grades, or what Suzy BigEyes or Timmy McGreatConversation might think about you: you should not be doing drugs. its just not worth it.
that little green fucker Yoda was obviously bullshit because he got it the wrong way around: with great responsibility comes great power. and i mean honestly, who does acid anymore?
lets go through a handful:
POT: yeah, dude. smoke pot. i dont care if you’re Mandy Moore in that one movie and you’re the presidents daughter; everyone could use a little bit of pot. its not a gateway drug: the only gateway it leads to is eating more doritos and wondering what your hands are there for. and pot only makes those anti-pot ads even more hilarious. shit, those things MAKE me want to smoke pot. do they really think we’re that stupid? yeah, some people can’t handle pot or drugs at all, but those people also really like Eminem and Disturbed and live in flyover states that no-one thinks twice about until our little cheiftans decide to get really mad about whatever and goes and shoots a gun, basically ruining drugs for anyone and everyone.
COCAINE: cocaine is the the 10%’ers out there who “want to make a point” about “something” but they haven’t figured out the “something” part and just go off on this vaguely romantic Rebel Without A Cause Nor Effect bullshit. because if you’re spending $60 on a baggie of white powder the size of your thumb, you’re obviously stupid enough to realize that you could have saved $47 by buying five cans of Red Bull and drinking them really fast. its pretty much the same effect, i hate to tell you. unless of course Journey is playing, or you just happen to be in Paris in the mid 90’s. the thing about blow is it has such a mystique but it turns you into such a fucking asshole. remember the gay room-mate that every time you were over at your girls house he wouldn’t shut up about Six Feet Under? well now imagine that guy is you and you’re talking about blow. it makes you that level of annoying. now stop it. they call it “blow” because you can “blow” your whole rent payment in a three day period. now just put it down and leave the bathroom stall. i dont care if you live in New York. if youre doing coke in New York that’s twice as worse because you’re “that guy” now, you’re the guy that orders a steak at the seafood restaurant. no, i can hear you disagreeing with me already. fuck you. you’re wrong. i’m right. coke is only cool when you’re hanging out with Van Halen or winning the lottery. just because its a Wednesday night and youre in the L.E.S doesn’t mean you should be shoveling that shit up your nose like a hungry hungry hippo, brosephine baker.
CRACK COCAINE: sure, dude. why the hell not. i mean, you made it all the way out to the traintracks and made some new friends, right?
HEROIN: are you fucking serious? are you fucking retarded? nice one, Johnny DecisionMaker. chances are doing “The H” is going to turn you into a human personification of Every Character In The Boondock Saints At Once. and that movie sucked so much balls that Jenna Jameson and two of my ex girlfriends got jealous, because they suck a lot of balls. like, a truckload of balls, backing up, beep beep beep. dont be that guy.
ACID: you don’t need acid. and acid doesn’t need you. the only people that “need” acid are late night radio dj’s and people that really, really, really hate their dad. i know the cool dude who smokes unfiltered cigs and has a beard keeps saying that acid changed him but it only really changed him from your run-of-the-mill The Swans fan into your run-of-the-mill neighborhood guy that knows where to buy roofies at any given hour. same beard, though. funny how those things work out.
OPIUM: i dont know, Oscar. are you a chinese guy from the 18th century? then you should not be doing opium. opium is like “perma pot” and should best be avoided unless you’ve got every season of The Simpsons and don’t feel like doing anything for the next three days.
METH: yeah, dude. do some meth. it gives you RAD cheekbones for TWO WEEKS. its all downhill from there, but do you want those cheekbones? i bet you do. sucks about the whole “no teeth” thing. BUT THOSE CHEEKBONES! c’est magnifique. fetch me my sketchpad and my still camera because i feel a Larry Clark moment coming on.
CRAISINS: those shits are addictive. surely this is a nationwide epidemic.
ECSTASY: ok. first off, fuck you. and fuck everything about you. i’m sorry, but go back to 1998 with that shit. and take off those JNCO’s. and the candy necklace. and the ‘happy hardcore’ cd anthonlogy. ecstasy is for bored college girls with too much time on their hands. and any dude that does it seriously needs like a pound of beef jerky, a shit ton of water, and a good talking to. “it makes you happy”. so does a pizza, dude. just order a pizza. i swear to god you’ll look less of a retard dancing around a pizza than you will dancing around in a warehouse with a bunch of people that look like they got kicked out of a Manson family reunion.
SALIVIA: what is this? Scrabble? that shit sounds like a boss in Mortal Kombat. can i beat it? oh its a drug? are you fucking serious? how old are you? go get a job. look, heres a copy of ‘On The Road’ and a pat on the back, kiddo.
WHIPPITS: its all fun and games until you break into the Starbucks at 3am.
COMPUTER CLEARNER / INHALANTS: DID YOU SEE THAT FUCKING EPISODE OF A&E’s INTERVENTION? THAT SHIT FUCKS YOU UP. straight up fucking turns you into “Mommie Dearest” turned to 11. totally not worth it. yeah thats a great idea: freeze your brain or turn blind. nice one.
ALCOHOL: oh, alcohol is a drug. do you seriously think – that in your heart of hearts – that you’d have gone home with a Tori Amos fan OUT OF CHOICE?
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conclusion: big surprise, Boner Party advocates pot use. and honey bear bongs, which can be used not only for their intended purpose but can also be used as interesting decoration throughout the house! think about it. think about it. think about it some more. now stop thinking about it.